It's Too Heavy Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I know things.  People tell me things...and I carry them in solitary silence inside of me.  Friends that I love so dearly.  Friends that can't see the consequences of their actions and how they affect others...how they affect me.  Weight that is so overbearing at times that I physically can't breathe.  They aren't even my sins but I have to feel the godly sorrow for them and the pain of the missed opportunities.  My life would be very different if these people could only see the big picture and have faith in what they once believed in.  They don't have to lie to hurt me (though they do), the truth stings enough.  So many lost opportunities.  So many different endings.  Why can't they see?  Why are they so foolish?  Why can't they just believe?

Maybe it is a glimpse of understanding what our Savior went through.  We all are stupid and make mistakes.  We lie to ourselves and others.  We don't see how our actions affect others.  I only carry the weight of sins and secrets of three others, when He carried the weight of the whole world.  He carries MY weight. He drank that bitter cup.  He gave us the opportunity for a happy ending.  He is the source of hope.

Greatest Office War Video Ever

The Great Office War from Runawaybox on Vimeo.

Go Karen!!!

My sister bought a house today...and I didn't have to die to enable her to do it.  That is good news.  I'm way excited for them.  Too bad I will no longer live just a mile away from them...they will be on the other side of the valley.  Alas...I'm happy for her.  Congrats Karen!

Shades

I realized today that I am an idiot when it comes to sunglasses.  I struggle.  Luckily I don't think anyone saw me today in Kohl's.  I'm apparently not coordinated enough to take a pair of glasses off the tree, try them on and put them back without hitting five other pairs.  Praying that I didn't break them when I heard them crashing to the ground, I bent down to pick them up...with my purse hitting a couple more.  I'd like to say that this only happened once tonight.  I'd also like to say that this is the first season that the has happened.  The truth is I do it 2-3 times in each store...every year. But...I did find a pair. (These aren't them...I'm just into including visuals in my blog now).

I also don't believe in paying more than $15 for sunglasses.  They just break.  They break if they are expensive, they break if they're cheap. They break if you love them, they break if you are indifferent to them.  They break when you drop them, sit on them, leave them in the car all summer so the plastic turns brittle...THEY ALWAYS BREAK.  The only time they won't break...is when you lose them.  Because of this fact, I refuse to ever buy nice sunglasses

I'm Not Cliche'

It sounds so cliche to tell people I broke up with my boyfriend.  I feel like everyone does it and therefore people are numb to what it really means...to what it potentially means.  The usual response is an "Awww...I'm sorry (sympathetic rub on arm)."  I don't feel like my breakup was the usual though.  I've experienced the end of some of my relationships that hurt for a couple of days and then I got over them (I've also experienced the complete opposite).  But this one was different.  This wasn't some fun little fling with a convenient partner.  It didn't end because we grew apart or he did something wrong. It wasn't because of fighting or not feeling understood by each other.  We had a pure love...a very real love.  Josh honestly was my best friend and my other half.  Someone who knew me so completely and still loved me.

We knew we were doomed from the start.  We knew we couldn't be together in the end due to our mutually exclusive religious views. We consciously chose to start something...and it was three of the happiest months of my life.  He filled me up.  He made me feel so complete.  I felt like I could handle anything the world threw at me as long as he was by my side.  But autumn came too quickly on our beautiful summer home in Denial-Land.  And now there is a void in my life.  It's been two months since the breakup and I've come a long way.  I started this post back on April 4th but decided to finish it today.  I'm grateful for the path that I've taken and for the lessons I've learned.  Most of all, I'm grateful for the memories I have. The song lyrics from Wicked come to mind:

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

I have!  Thank you Josh! 

He Must Kill Spiders

It's days like today that make me wish I was married so I could work side by side with my husband doing the landscaping.  I love to work in the yard.  It is very rewarding work.  But my task today was passed my skill level.  I'm reclaiming the front flower bed from the wild grass to plant some lilies I bought.  But like all things in life, I never just do the task I set out for.  It opens up so many other things that need to be done, and if I'm going to do it...I want to do it right. This summarizes my train of thoughts:  Project #1: weeding the flower bed.  Project #2: replacing the wood that is the perimeter of the flower bed. Project #3: weed the wood chip area between the flower bed and the house (and remove useless broken cinder blocks. Project #4: seeing that the leaky faucet has turned the wood chip area into a disgusting marshland, think about replacing all the wood chips.  Project #5: seeing that the wood chip area is on top of a tarp like thing, realize I need to replace the tarp.  Project #6: drudge up all the marshland, wood chips, and tarp and start over...all over.  But what kind of tarp do I use?  How much are wood chips?  Why won't the faucet STOP running? Why does it insist on starting to rain?  Why do there have to be so many bugs in this area? Why am I so deathly afraid of spiders?  Why did God make RED spiders? Centipedes still exist? Why is this honey bee insisting on hanging out by the faucet and chasing me? How many times must I scream and run away from the flower bed like a crazy woman?  Why does this take so long to do?  Why am I the only one that cares?  Why don't I ask the landlord to help me and pay for it?  Why didn't I think of that earlier?  Why can't I do this on my own?

But the reality was...I couldn't do it alone.  The job is left undone.  Partially because I didn't want to spend all the money for materials, partially because I didn't know what I was doing and was afraid I would do it wrong, and partially because I was so terrified of what lurked in that wood chip marshland.  Worms = fine, potato bugs = no problem, red spiders = AHHHHH...pause, squirm, hit it with the shovel. Giant white spider = scream, start crying a little, squirm, then hopefully kill it when I keep stabbing that area of the ground with the shovel.  I'm going to have nightmares tonight.  I just want a guy that will kill spiders for me.  I don't care if he likes dogs or cats or whatever...he must kill spiders!

Always A Bridesmaid...

Someday a bride!

My dear friend Rhonda is getting married in September and has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.  This is will my first real non-LDS wedding that will have all the rehearsals, formality, favors, professional hair, etc.  Being that Rhonda is a professional meeting planner/wedding planner, you know this party is going to rock! Rhonda has chosen red and silver as her wedding colors and for the bridesmaid dresses chose a special designer for the dresses.  Understanding that every is blessed with different body types, we are not all forced to wear the same style dress.  The only guidelines that she gave were that it needed to be an Alfred Angelo dress, floor length and the color cherry.  This is the dress I found.  I also bought a red satin jacket to accompany it. I've never owned a red dress before!  All I need is a black grand piano to lay on and I'll sing for you. And...here are the silver shoes I bought for only $9!  Que buen suerte!  I needed a sweet shoe sale considering I had to sell my left kidney to buy the dress!

Glass Half Full?

I was dressed like a female cop today.  I wore the fitted blue button up shirt tucked in to my black slacks.  I also had my hair pulled back.  All I needed was a gun and Law & Order SVU here I come! So my friends and I were walking over to Ogden city park to get dirty tacos...after all...it is 2 for $1 Wednesdays!  To get to my favorite taco stand, we have to pass through the crowd of Ogden's Crazies that are there loitering and waiting for the bus.  There is always a little anxiety walking by the bus stop crowd.  I took my eyes off of the end goal for two seconds to look a man in the eyes that was standing there.  Bad idea.  The consequence of this was him feeling impressed to talk to me and say, "Aren't you a tall glass of class? Mmm."  I chose to ignore him and keep walking.  I looked at my friends a few steps down to see if they heard it too.  "Did he just..." "Yeah." "Gross."  "I hate Ogden."  "Me too."  "Tall glass of class?"  "Maybe it's his best line?" "Unbelievable!"

Windows Down

Spring reminds me of an important little fact about myself every year.  I love driving with the windows down.  For some reason it makes me feel so alive.  I'm not one of those people that roll all the windows up and turn on the A/C once I get on the highway...oh no.  That is reserved for the people that have good air conditioning  in their cars...something that I would know nothing about.  I feel bad for my passengers because I keep the windows open.  Not fully open blasting you with wind, but cracked about two inches on all the windows...just enough for a pleasant circulation.  Ahhhh...it's delightful.  Thank you for FINALLY arriving spring!

A Secret Fear

I have a secret fear of farting at the chiropractor's office.  I'm not really a gassy person, but I fear that one time when I'm being twisted and bent in all directions, one might escape. Awkward!  So far so good, but it is a fear that has been in the back of my head every Monday and Thursday for the last seven months...especially because one of my chiropractors is ridiculously cute.

I Love Mondays

This guy at work changed my perspective about Mondays.  He says that Mondays are his favorite day of the week because it is the furthest day...from next Monday.  Though I've never known him to be a funny man, or one that even smiles much, we have a genuinely fun time wishing each other Happy Monday with a smile.

The truth is, I don't mind Mondays because I enjoy my job and love the people I work with.  I have an amazing boss and consider him and my other co-workers genuine friends. Is my job something important, difficult or something that changes the world?  No, but I like to think I make my little sphere of influence a better place.